God, love, guitar

trusting someone not to hurt you is an idiotic thing to do

2012-01-21T01:37:00.004+08:00

RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
THIS IS SO FRUS.TRA.TING. I REALLY WISH I CAN EXPRESS MY FEELINGS TO YOU NOW SO I WOULD KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. BUT IT MAY JUST BE HORMONES TALKING SINCE MY PERIOD IS HERE.

I MISS YOU SO MUCH WHEN YOU ARE NOT AROUND. THEN I GET MAD AT MYSELF FOR MISSING YOU SO MUCH BECAUSE I SHOULDN'T BE SO STUPID.

AND YES, TRUSTING SOMEONE NOT TO HURT YOU IS AN IDIOTIC THING TO DO. YET I TRUST ANYWAY.

2012-01-16T10:03:00.000+08:00

maybe it was a mistake being so close, that now it is harder to be apart

nobody said it was easy distancing myself away from you

2012-01-15T00:07:00.004+08:00

It hurts without you around. Because everything I see and hear reminds me of you.

feeling slightly different

2012-01-12T23:00:00.003+08:00

It's a different feeling from last semester. Currently, I'm taking two totally non-related ADM electives and I'm okay with it. Which makes me question whether I should have not been in ADM in the first place. And I'm not as excited as I was last year about the things I will be doing in my ADM core modules.

But the good thing is that I'm socialising more with the hall people, out of compulsion. But nevertheless, they seem less scary now :) And I always feel happier after trainings, even if I'm tired or grumpy. Or maybe I'm just happy the trainings are over. haha..

2012-01-07T00:07:00.003+08:00

that's how comfortable I feel when I'm with you:) But I really wish you weren't so close to her, it makes me.. uncomfortable

......................................................................................................

I really feel like changing one of my modules, but that is the only module that most of my previous class is in and you are in it too.

one of the greatest lie a girl might say is:'It's okay'

2012-01-04T01:09:00.003+08:00

I honestly don't know why I'm doing this. It seems like you don't care a sh*t about me.
I think it's because I'm hoping one day you would look back and hopefully I would be in this certain part of your life.

2011-12-25T01:39:00.003+08:00

I called you today because I felt like I needed to hear your voice. I love that we can talk about any random stuff in this world. It makes me feel like I'm not the only random one on this earth.

But sometimes, I really wish you would show me more concern. Because it seems like to you, I'm just this one person in this world, but for this one person, you mean the world to me.

2011-12-22T20:38:00.006+08:00

I'm so used to being around you, even if we are not actually doing anything. Because with you around, I'm that much more calm and that much more happier :)

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you

2011-12-21T00:55:00.002+08:00

Missing you badly again. It seems like I can't go a day without talking to you.

the clouds won't stop moving just because i did

2011-12-17T21:24:00.004+08:00

So many things happened today. A sister passed away last night and most church members went to worship with a grieving heart. To see a dear brother cry in front of me was painful, knowing that there was nothing I could say to cheer him up.

I forgot what were the other things already. They all seem insignificant to what happened to this sister. I think it was something about cell? That I told them about leaving a chinese church and it seemed like they didn't really care.

I learnt that I had been complaining too much, to the extent that almost all gratefulness was lost.

I guess as I was watching the clouds moving, I realised that even if I stop moving, they won't stop for me. Even as I pause, things will still continue to drift on.

2011-12-16T22:57:00.005+08:00

Just came back from the Anglican Diocese Youth camp (iFaith), it was a huge relief that it was over. Thank God. It was really difficult for me because I'm a very all-over-the-place person, so to sit down and actually organised worship sessions, people, games, logistics and slides was something I could have never done without God's strength:) Furthermore, SO MANY THINGS were in CHINESE! hahaha.. it was painful but for some reason, I think I spoke chinese quite fluently during the camp:)

Oh, and I met an adm senior there. So cool!:) He plays the piano really well too, albeit sometimes too much when he's into it. But he's still cool:) HE GAVE ME CHOCOLATE! Hahaha! I know I sound like a really small kid saying that.

how can you feel lonely when you are surrounded by hundreds of people?

2011-12-14T22:51:00.001+08:00

even happy memories can hurt

2011-12-10T23:29:00.002+08:00

Walking down Orchard road with some church friends reminded me of the times we walked down that street.. I'm easily jealous. So I can't stand it when you it feels like you talk to her more than you do to me. And I treasure you more than you do to me.

I'm going to have another camp soon and I will attempt to not talk to you at all during that camp. It will be an experiment. To see how much I actually mean to you.

dear God, I pray for serenity. It feels like a fleeting escape from me

2011-12-09T01:37:00.004+08:00

I just came back from church camp, even though the place wasn't exceptionally nice nor classy, I thank God for it. For it was being away from Internet and hygienic places that made me appreciate them more. The physical needs put aside, I think I drew closer to God after this camp, I learnt quite a bit from the sermons even though it seems that I might not be paying attention. It made me appreciate the physical bible a lot more. I'm not sure why though.. haha..

Serenity does feel like a fleeting part of my life, floating in and out whenever it feels like. I was trying to figure about something about someone. Sometimes, it seems I have it all figured out and then you do something that makes me crazy about you. I'm not sure why I trust you. But with you around, talking to you, messaging you makes me feel that everything is going to turn out fine.

Another troubling matter I had to settle is the Anglican diocese youth camp. Because of sudden changes, last minute updates and me procrastinating, we are all rushing to settle everything. It feels so screwed up but I'm gonna pray to God that everything is going to turn out fine:)

Drawing and painting a lot now.. Everytime I try to paint something serene, it turns into troubledness. Deeper thoughts flow a lot more now.. it feels like every painting/ drawing is a self-portrait. Because it is after all a reflection of how I perceive things.

2011-11-30T00:58:00.002+08:00

I think I'm jealous, even though I rationalised that my feelings are just that of a sister. And even though they will probably not end up together because of the age gap and the fact that she's engaged. But still...

I've clamoring a lot for attention recently. I keep doing stupid stuff to seek attention, especially from someone. I don't know what's wrong with me lately. Maybe PMS?

2011-11-25T23:05:00.003+08:00

Just thought I should share something. This was my final foundation drawing piece. A lot of people asked me why I drew this because it didn't seem like something I would draw. The truth is when the lecturer was explaining the details of this final project and how it was supposed to be a multi-figure composition, this image popped into my mind.

And throughout last week, I was listening to daft punk like a religion. I kept trying to edit this piece, trying to perfect every shade, every figure. I guess it all crashed together when I took a step back and my first thought was Demons. I screamed. I left the drawing studio.

I thank God for Jonathan who came and talked to me (even though he probably won't see this). I was very much afraid. Afraid of the upcoming exam which I had yet to prepare for and everyone else seemed to be already studying. Afraid for the current state of my mind. Was I sane? Was I insane? Afraid of the time that was eluding me. But talking to him made me feel more normal, more sane.

It was difficult explaining this piece and the concept behind it to my lecturer. Because it was true even if it seem surreal. The concept was the process. A painful one.

Seeing this piece again reminds me of the pain, but it was pain that was cherished. Because I rather hurt than to not feel at all.

2011-11-18T10:18:00.003+08:00

Van Gogh was someone who couldn't express himself using words and resorted to painting. He used art as a language to bring out the uneasiness in him. And the second painting was inspired by him. The turbulence is going to be over soon. I hope.

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers and me

2011-11-05T22:57:00.004+08:00

I love the beautiful memories you have created but it scares me a little. I don't want to admit it because I don't know how much of it is true. All I know is that I miss you badly even though you have only been gone for a day. And I have become more dependent on you. I really can't imagine life without your presence.

Something strange is happening

2011-10-25T18:18:00.002+08:00

I think i'm too used to having my mind cluttered with random thoughts and things I should be doing, but now it's just blank.

Anyway, a mini milestone for me: I decided to stop clubbing. It was a gradual decision. I knew all along clubbing was a gray area and one day I finally decided I need to stop making mistakes. I need to stop being foolish and reckless because things never turn out pleasant. Maybe for that short moment, but after that, time escapes with myself drowning in regret.

I'm currently using facebook to do my assignments, imagine that. It's under an interactive media module. It's confusing me, not just because it is a fake profile(so it's like having a split-personality disorder) but that social media suddenly turns into a chore.

I wish I knew what you were thinking and why things can be so amiable between us, but a moment later, it's just silence.

2011-10-09T00:19:00.005+08:00

I woke up with the realisation that I go clubbing because I get the impression that guys like slutty girls. Isn't it sad?

The last time I went, I felt jaded. I have been getting increasingly jaded for a while but this time it only got worse. Things get confusing and it's not as if there's anything you can do about it. When you don't know where you stand. When you don't know what to do. And it feels like there's no one you can talk to because you know for certain you will be judged.

.....................................................................................................................

School's been mad. Sleepless nights. Less/no food. But with my awesome classmates, everything feels so much bearable. <3 G6

2011-09-18T01:35:00.003+08:00

I haven't been going to church for the last two weeks. And I almost didn't go this weekend. But I felt I was responsible to go because I had guitarist duty today. Even though, in a way it felt forced and I didn't understand half of what the pastor said, I'm glad I went. :) The only part of the sermon I DID understand made me realised how I haven't been committed to God. I needed to do something about it. So a few hours ago, I put on my cross necklace again. (the story of how I took down my cross necklace will be put aside for another day:)) I'm not used to it but maybe because I'm not, it will serve as a reminder.:)

P.s the verse is there because I thought I serve well with my guitar today:)

2011-08-17T22:57:00.002+08:00

Even though last week was one hell of a week, I am thankful for it. It drew me closer to God because I was leaning more on God rather than on my own strength. This week was slightly better in the beginning but it's starting to take a down turn.

2011-08-15T00:02:00.001+08:00

All I need is just someone to pull me aside and say: I'm worried for you and I don't want you to get hurt anymore. Please stop clubbing.

2011-08-14T02:05:00.002+08:00

When drawing lines become less defined..

Both literally and figuratively. It's just the first week of school and I'm already bombarded with homework. (I know I'm complaining but..) My perfectionist nature is becoming less dominant and I don't even care if I'm letting myself down by being less than perfect in my work.

Other than that, I have been pushing boundaries too. More than others would be willing to believe.

Smudging the lines become more than just a drawing technique

2011-08-07T20:00:00.006+08:00

Cause if one day you wake up and find yourself missing me. And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be

I used to think I was strong. But now I realised the extent I would go for someone I LIKE. Not LOVE. Compromising seemed so easy, yet when I think back, I really wonder if it was worth it. Maybe only time will tell. Maybe only God will know.

P.S Last night was one awesome crazy night with the guys;)

getting ready for the regularity of irregularity

2011-08-02T12:18:00.003+08:00

School's starting and I'm officially moving into hall tomorrow:)
I saw my room yesterday and thank God it wasn't as bad as my parents assumed. :) I still have quite a few things on my mind but thank God some of them have been settled.

2011-07-30T01:06:00.002+08:00

I THINK I NEED SHOPPING THERAPY AND SOMEONE TO TALK TO

2011-07-30T00:58:00.002+08:00

IT HURTS SO BAD SOMETIMES NOT HAVING YOU HERE

and i don't know why, but with you, i'll dance in a storm in my best dress, fearless

2011-07-23T10:57:00.005+08:00

I feel like I have to be a slut/bitch for you to notice me. It's very tempting but sometimes I wish we could go back to the olden british high school dances, where the most we would do is hold hands and dance. :)

ADM FOC!

2011-07-18T16:22:00.005+08:00

Paintball!!!!!!^^

Blindfolded and made to do 'certain stuff'. Haha.. The seniors were super cute, I think they were afraid we would get bored/hungry so they fed us chocolates and fries.

My current reputation in ADM now is either: Ben's cousin or Clubber. Haha.. apparently, my cousin is some kind of a legend in digital film. :)

I have TONS OF FUN during the camp and met a lot of interesting people^^ And in a way, the camp made me draw closer to God, in an unexpected manner.:)

P.S. I found a chipmunk brother. haha!

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing. Just praying to a God that I don't believe in

2011-07-08T02:07:00.004+08:00

Hearing about how jac shared about her wonderful experience street evangelizing this month and Aly talking about church, made me realize that I wasn't close to God anymore. And the worse thing is that I may be alright with it. I know one thing's for sure, I want to cut done on my church commitments because it's becoming more of a chore rather than joyful opportunities to serve. I rather be delightfully serving in just one area than grudgingly taking up so many.

Songs like this keeps me more sane:)

2011-06-28T23:01:00.000+08:00

Jealousy is nothing more than the fear of abandonment

2011-06-28T13:32:00.002+08:00

I'm jealous of prettier girls. I'm jealous of girls who seem to get all the guys they want. I'm jealous when other people are given more attention just because they are better looking.

.

School's starting soon and I have a feeling I will stray. I have been seeking acceptance and love, different from what God offers. It's going to be a tough struggle and I don't know how much longer I will be able to sustain this fight.

rants~cravings

2011-06-22T20:15:00.003+08:00

I can't wait to go to university, stay in hostel and get away from my parents.

I keep craving for frozen yogurt and Gong Cha

I still loathe it when people are late. Even after the person has apologized. It's really one time too many.

I'm actually still insecure about going to ADM. Going to a school full of many other MUCH MORE TALENTED people scares me.

Maybe I should make things clear now, before things get out of hand..

I don't want to say anything else. Because i'm on the verge of just blatantly screaming at you

2011-06-17T15:33:00.001+08:00

Student Camp-Land of Orz

2011-06-14T12:55:00.002+08:00

I don't mind being broken down, if it's God who breaks down my defenses. I don't mind being lost, if I lose myself and become a stronger child of God.

So many things happened during the camp.

Thank God for:

-giving me the wisdom to lead BS and QT as well as the other two co-leaders:)

-the re-dedications

-for planting the seed in ZiJun even though she didn't accept Christ in the end

-the 'un-churched' Christians being able to come to church ^^

-for being so retarded that I managed to amuse the group and they will able to warm up to me

-for being broken down

-for being lost and then found:)

Yes, I rather hurt than feel nothing at all~

2011-06-07T01:00:00.000+08:00

2011-05-31T23:25:00.001+08:00

'When you know why you like someone, it's a crush. When you have no reason or explanation, it's love.'

Hooked with @celestetanyj

2011-05-18T01:42:00.003+08:00

Just want to thank God that I finally received letters from both universities. And they were both my first choice!:) I even thought that I wasn't going to make it to any university..

Haiz.. I really feel like drinking. But I usually drink with my church friends because I know they will take care of me. However, recently my cell-mates and I were told off for leading the pre-mature drinkers into the wrong lane. I'm mostly at fault here, something which I won't deny..

NEED MONEYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Or am I just hungover you?

2011-04-23T22:06:00.002+08:00

I really wish you cared more. I remember waking up wishing I was sleeping on your shoulder..

2011-04-20T22:17:00.003+08:00

I guess I got my wish. But that was after I found out I actually like the job. *slaps my mouth for saying those things* So right now, I'm only working on weekends.

I. NEED. SOMETHING. TO OCCUPY. MYSELF

Furthermore, I need money to will away time!

..........................................................................................................

I'm back to the dilemma of whether I should go to an Art school instead. I still like NAFA but the next intake is next year. -.- The reason I didn't like Lasalle was because I didn't have a good gut feeling about it. So how much should I trust my instincts?

Another dilemma would be if i do join an Art school, should I go for Fine Arts or Design?

2011-04-14T20:53:00.002+08:00

NTU, IF YOU WANT TO REJECT ME CAN YOU HURRY UP REJECT ME NOW!!!

I know I have to be patient and wait for God's wise hand to intervene. But the wait is almost killing me! Okay, I also can't stand being stuck in a corner reading up about industrial design for an interview. Furthermore, since industrial design is my last choice if I don't get into NTU, it makes studying it all the more dreadful.

Tomorrow is my last day of work at Loveshine childcare. I really hope that I will be able to make use of it and actually reach out to someone. After that, I may work as an art teacher assistant, assuming the 'trial-run' and interview goes well. But honestly, I want a break from the working world for a while. haiz.. I should have told them I only stop work next week or something. haha..

2011-03-31T20:45:00.002+08:00

I feel like a hypocrite. I said that I would spend extra time and effort to perfect my work, but I didn't. Mr Lazy was my evil accomplice. I thought my passion in Art would push me beyond my limits. Which it did, I slept at 2 plus for the past few nights to finish my portfolio. However, deep down, I still feel like I could have done more..

I really hope everything turns out all right, regarding all the university applications. I did not submit any discretionary applications and I hope that it will not affect the universities' judgement of me. Please please God!

Silence isn't golden

2011-03-25T12:26:00.003+08:00

It has been a while since I last posted and a lot of things have happened since then. I got back my A-level results which is something that I am really thankful for:) I decided not to go to Lasalle or NAFA but to try out more viable options such as NUS's FASS and NTU's ADM. I'm currently working on my portfolio and the piece you see up there is going to be the cover.=) Right now, I have a huge part of the portfolio incompleted so I'm going to work hard and pray that I will finish everything in time! Some unfortunate things happened to my friends. But it is through times like these you realise what is important in life: Family and friends. Money is disappearing fast from my wallet. haha.. But one of the reasons is because I treated my parents for the first time with my pay!=) I need to be more careful with how I spend the rest of my income though. haha..

There's always a price to pay

2011-01-13T22:28:00.004+08:00

It feels good to finally sort out my plans for the future. Lasalle looks hopeful but I don't have the qualifications ( O/A-level Art). An option for me is to sign up for a portfolio preparation course and create my own portfolio. It's $320 which is exactly what I will earn from my brief period in my present job! Praise God! But it's during weekends and how about church?
.
I know it may seem stupid to splurge my whole pay on some course that may not guarantee a place in Lasalle. However, I will be able to say at least I tried! The past has been filled with too many regrets regarding my passion for Art and I don't want to add another.

sorry for the lack of photos because I'm using another com right now

2011-01-10T22:36:00.002+08:00

I got a job which involves waiting on people, serving, clearing up and cleaning up. I feel like a maid-in-training. Honestly, I like the first part of the job but I can't stand cleaning up=X *haha.. I sound like a spolit kid* It's also super draining, but I like serving others and running around being buzy. haha.. The working environment isn't too pleasant though. I can't understand cantonese/teochew/hokkien or whatever language they are communicating in. Furthermore, they shout at each other and complain ALOT.

I may become a childcare teacher assistant if they want me. The pay is higher and I think it will be more worthwhile than the present job. =)

Am I someone who can't, like they always say, 'endure hardship'?

2010-12-28T22:45:00.004+08:00

I wish this 'emo', distanced-from-the world feeling would go away. I talk less, I know I'm not myself but I don't know what's wrong. Recently, I feel so consumed in a magical, fantasy world of fiction that reality seems almost surreal. It's mostly the Harry Potter series though.. haha. I love my phone because I can read Harry Potter from it anytime, anywhere!=)

............................................................................................................
The world around me seems to have grown up too fast. Conversations seem to constantly turn from 'ohh.. After A-levels..' to 'What job are you doing now?', Interviews and applications to universities and university courses.

Slow down. Relax. Enjoy life after 'A's. I don't want to deal with grown-up stuff now.

2010-12-21T22:03:00.003+08:00

When you claimed that you still had feelings for me. Feelings no longer of love, but of hatred, disappointment and anger. You lied.
Hate arose because of love. Disappointment arose because you love more I did. And anger arose because the love was too strong, it had to be suppress by another emotion.

time of my life

2010-12-14T23:13:00.002+08:00

Isn't my guitar pretty? haha.. I really LOVE this holiday. Days are filled with spending time with friends, shopping, movies, guitar, worship and literature. =)

2010-12-05T14:28:00.003+08:00

Look how white we were...

Check out the view behind us=)

Jamming + Worshipping=)

Playing the bean game, apparently I was a bit high =p

In the pool

Missed it so much!

It was an AWESOME TRIP! It was made even more awesome by my lovely classmates=) Thank God for the perfect weather and for sending all the rain to Singapore. haha.. Seeing all the pictures on facebook made me relive all the memories we had-the beach, the jamming sessions, captain's ball in the pool, Isaac's card games, getting slightly drunk, nuan-ing and more.. haha.. Can't wait for our reunion in Bali!

HAHAHAHA

2010-11-29T23:16:00.002+08:00

HAHAHAHA...

A-LEVELS ARE FINALLY OVERR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(THE CAPS ARE TO EMPHASISE HOW WOOHOO I AM. HAHAHA...)
I CAN FINALLY SHOP/READ HARRY POTTER/ WATCH TV WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY. HAHA.... =D

I must really really must thank God for bringing me through this trying period. It has been so overwhelming at times, exasperating even. But I survived! By God's grace, of course. :) :)

Going Bintan with my awesome 09s23 tomorrow! It's gonna be super fun. I'm going to stay away from sea horses/monsters (inside joke) as much as I can. Bye~ :D

Because I find meaning in the meaningless

2010-11-19T22:37:00.003+08:00

Ignore the first 16 seconds and listen to how trash can be turned into music. Haha.. I have nothing against the original. I actually like that it's trashy and meaningless. Because I find meaning in the meaningless. =)

This is a cool cover too. Haha.. I like Joseph Vincent's one too!=)

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TWO MORE PAPERS LEFT!!!(mcq doesn't count) WOOHOOO!! HAHAHA..

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My dad is strange. He doesn't allow me to go clubbing but he think it's perfectly fine to leave my guitar UNCHAINED AND WILD IN MY ROOM?!

2010-11-04T22:26:00.002+08:00

Rawr. I can't focus. Does this sound very familiar? haha..

I know for certain that you only treat me as a sister. But sometimes, I can't help thinking if it could be more. I feel so dumb for allowing myself to get sucked into this dilemma. You already made it clear right from the start that we were just friends. But I really can't let go of that moment when I cried and you were there, holding me and telling me that God provides. You told me stupid stuff that made me laugh and taught me to just sit there and soak in God's wonderful creation.

I hate hormones.

2010-11-02T22:11:00.002+08:00

Thanks for being there for me. And showing me that just as how God takes care of the plants, he will take care of me. You have really been a blessing in my life. :)

P.S. Dear God, please remember to guard my heart.

2010-10-28T21:11:00.002+08:00

It's about one more week left to A-levels. I really need to accelerate my studying, though sometimes I really have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Moreover, I have no idea whether to be excited or terrified since my birthday 'happily' coincides with 'A's. So far, fear is overcoming the excitement.

But the good news is that somehow, I find God so much closer. He speaks at the most appropriate times and not just at night when I do my quiet time. I think I just need to remind myself that God is always here with me. =)

Even the journey's long, and the road's hard, I know the one who walks before me.

short bursts of updates

2010-10-07T22:13:00.006+08:00

I'm really thankful that God gave my voice back today so I could lead morning worship. My prayer was answered! ^^
However, my cough returned to irritate me and my throat feels strange. =X

A-levels are drawing near and I have to constantly stop and remind myself to BREATHE. This is how bad the stress is getting to me.

I have been searching for some glimmer of hope to hold on to, because God seem so.. distant.

No surprise, you seem to be the one who provided me with that hope. With you around, things always seem to be better=)

2010-09-20T23:05:00.002+08:00

Had two horrible papers today, at least in my opinion. But I will still praise God for He is Awesome!! Haha.. My pastor taught us the importance of being thankful. Sometimes, we focus so much on the unpleasant things in life, we forget the pleasant things that happened. JOY=Jesus first, Others before Yourself =)

Haha.. I only have 1 paper left! And it's MCQ!!! Holiday mode~ since I don't know, before Physics paper 3? haha.. Horrible girl!

Need some shopping!! I have been deprived for quite some time =X I need fresh music too! I have random cravings for Daughtry and Lady Antebellum=) Both awesome artists, though I listen to the former when I'm pissed and the latter when I'm emo. Haha..

2010-09-10T23:21:00.004+08:00

I really don't know what to do. I have been praying about it but my thoughts always drift back to you. It's such a horrible time! I know I said that I was over you but I kept catching myself with thoughts of you. Watching the rain reminded me of you. I wondered what you were doing. Did you sleep well last night? I know I didn't.

You told me another friend said that I liked you. I hoped you didn't believe it. I would rather you hear it from me than from anyone else. I felt so tempted to tell you how I feel but... things may just fall apart between us.. And you have been a strong christian support. I don't want to lose that and our friendship. You make me laugh when I'm upset. You lift me up with funny notes when I'm stressed. We talk crap over messages but we understand each other well enough to know that we were just kidding.

Sometimes I wake up with dreams of you and I together. It puts a smile on my heart for the rest of the day. Should I leave now? Before I fall any deeper..

2010-09-07T22:51:00.003+08:00

2010-09-03T20:59:00.002+08:00

Econs CSQ basically fried my brain. But listening to Lady Antebellum helped a lot. =)

Towards the end of the paper I got distracted by thoughts of.. and the song 'I run to you'. I should really do something about ... *mixed feelings I guess*

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I have been going home everyday to Spongebob Squarepants, dinner, computer plus guitar. Actually, I think it's mainly just guitar.XD I'm writing some songs too! I can't seem to come up with better verses but oh well, I like the tune=)

2010-08-30T23:18:00.001+08:00

God's got his hand on you so don't live life in fear.

2010-08-13T21:57:00.003+08:00

Randommzz updatezz...XD
-finally found an almost conducive place to study, I love my friends and the laughter we share but they can be distracting. No offense though. I'm sorry if I ignored anyone. But if you're addressing me specifically, I promise I will definitely response. =)
-found out I look like a chipmunk. haha...
-Pimple breakoutt!! =(
-way behind my study schedule!! ( what the heck am I doing here??) hehe..
-made a lot of random friends in the library that it's sort of scary=X
-Finally read geog readings and OMG, they are actually interesting!! If you compare it with the notes, it's like this big wealthy bank of knowledge of the Dynamic earth. Not some way-too-concise points that do not make sense and have horrible grammatical errors
-VIP tickets to Nicholas Zhang Dong Liang Concert! I'm going with my dear mengfeiXD
-Found these 2 sisters on youtube

I like their mash-ups and they are super pretty!

2010-08-03T17:30:00.001+08:00

For you alone deserve all glory. For you alone deserve all praise...

2010-07-31T22:02:00.004+08:00

I can't concentrate with this burden in my heart. Expectations and pressure seem to be overwhelming me. Maybe I turned cold over the past year, because nothing seem to be able to break me down. It's strange. I don't think it's a good sign to cease being vulnerable to God.

FOP broke down some of my defenses. It made me realise how much I wanted God so desperately to fill my life. It also dawned upon me the need to make a difference in my family. I really want them to stop worrying about me, but I don't want to compromise God at the same time.

I really want to focus on my studies, but that has resulted/would mean taking some drastic measures. This included cutting down on Alpha, worship, events and maybe Cell.

My Cell leader told me she didn't want me to just give God the bare minimum of simply going for service. And to short-change him. She cried after the whole cell prayed for me. But in my heart, there was only insistence of not going for cell until after A-levels.

I wish there was someone to tell me what to do.

I feel like a N.E.R.D

2010-07-29T22:31:00.003+08:00

But thank God it's FRIDAY TOMORROW! AND THERE'S FESTIVAL OF PRAISE (FOP)!!!!

All these while, God has been sustaining me with His Strength. I feel so stressed, weary, even mad at myself. I am self-motivated to study. Somehow, there's a strange compelling force pushing me to study at every single moment of my life. I know my goal, I know what I want. But the people around me don't seem to realise the seriousness of this upcoming examinations.

Am I being selfish by focusing on my studies rather than spending time with my friends?

interesting covers

2010-07-23T22:53:00.003+08:00

Never really liked the Veronicas but this is a good cover=)

Surprisingly nice, though she looked a bit awkward doing the song

I like his voice, but his other covers aren't that nice=(

2010-07-21T21:03:00.003+08:00

In economics, the consumer is assumed to be rational. So assuming I am rational, moving house is not a viable option. Now assuming that the tiny side road outside my house is a public good. This means that it is non-excluable. (i.e. it is not possible to exclude someone who pays for the good from a non-payer), I can't stop him from jogging there. Why did we have to be neighbours??

When he said hi, I blatantly ignored him. But I hope I looked like I was listening to really loud music and I wasn't able to hear him. Maybe it was my imagination. Maybe my phone was playing a song with the word : HI in it. Maybe he was just saying hi to some tree behind me.

Why did I have to see him? If I never see him again, I think I would be satisfied for the rest of my life and die happy.

*p.s. this proves that I have been studying and I am able to apply my knowledge to real-life situations=)

Lazing to a Sunday morning

2010-07-18T21:58:00.000+08:00

I. NEED. MOTIVATION. TO. STUDY

2010-07-16T17:55:00.003+08:00

We are not distracted, we're just studying the air. Oh wait, I DON'T EVEN TAKE CHEMISTRY.=p

My grades for BT2 have so far been okay. (Praise God! XD) However, things do not look too good for Geography and GP =X

2010-07-16T17:20:00.002+08:00

Honestly, I think this video is insulting. Mr Brown's videos seem to blame the government for every single thing and his covers are awful. To me, it seemed like not only was he making fun of the Singapore government but he was also ridiculing the World Cup song. It wasn't funny. It was degrading and in some sense, even infantile. Grow up, Mr Brown.

just my opinion

2010-07-14T20:21:00.004+08:00

I dislike Twitter because it's narcissistic and I personally believe that what you share on Twitter is just what you want others to think are your beliefs. In actual fact, it may not actually be your personal thoughts. We shape the way our online self appears to others, however, we are nothing like that person. After a while, that person gets caught up in his or her alter ego, and he or she loses her true self. But did he or she actually knew his/her true self in the first place?

Furthermore, having my 'friends' deemed as followers is just too egoistic for me and too demeaning to those friends. There's a race of who has the most followers when some of these followers simply do not mean a thing to me. (I'm sorry if I sound heartless here) It's just a competition to see who is the most 'popular'. When in reality, it is self-deception, to actually think that you are popular based on the number of followers you have.

2010-07-14T16:40:00.004+08:00

Surfing through optical illusions. They are cool stuff and so inspirational!

If you can't see it, move a bit further away from the screen.=) I bet this could help to prevent short-sightedness because every time you read something, you have to move the material a distance away from you. haha..=D

This is so awesome! But how did they do it?? Is the above girl fake or something??haha.. This proves that nothing is as it seems. I really thought that the girl on the left had REALLY hairy arms! But it's actually some guy's leg spoiling the picture.

2010-07-11T12:05:00.002+08:00

What struck me during yesterday's sermon was that how can we share about God's love to our parents when we don't show them that love? I grumble when I don't get the things I want. I raise my voice at them at the slightest accusation and I definitely don't show much care and concern for them.

It's was the first time I actually felt like I was being scolded. Even though that pastor has a famous history of 'scolding' people.

taylor swift

2010-07-11T12:00:00.001+08:00

SHE IS SO PRETTY!!

I want a prom dress like this!

2010-07-09T21:45:00.001+08:00

I don't need to do the same things my friends do just because they are doing it. I'm different.
I just need time to convince myself that.

2010-07-04T20:47:00.003+08:00

Correction from my one of my previous post: My 'whiny' son is actually CUTE AND ADORABLE =)

I could have wrote handsome, muscular,.. but Thou shall not lie=p
p.s. Cute is not ugly but adorable, go and look up dictionary.com

2010-07-02T22:04:00.002+08:00

Experienced a variety of emotions this week. The week opened up with fury, which was later offset by anxiety (pimple breakout!=( ), sadness subdued, irritation moved in, insecurity lurked around and it ended off with fatigue.

I needed the 2.5 hours of sleep I had today with the rain pelting against the windows and the soft rumbling of thunder.

Guitar therapy isn't working. I may need retail therapy or chocolate therapy.

THIS IS HOW WE OVERCOME

2010-06-28T17:04:00.007+08:00

I was supposed to post this last night but I got a bit carried away watching the World cup=p

'But your servants, every man, armed for battle, will cross over to fight before the Lord, just as our Lord says.'
Yes Lord, we will fight for you! XD This block tests, playing guitar for church and leading worship for Alpha.=)

Playing in the worship band last saturday was like WOAH! 'This is how we overcome' was the hardest song I ever played and everyone else was going so fast! It was easy yet difficult. Hmm..It was easy because it felt like the sound of the guitar was absorbed into the rest of the music. But it was difficult because I couldn't keep up at some parts!=X But thank God for everything!=)

Hate days like this

2010-06-24T23:28:00.004+08:00

Ain't no sunshine when he's gone.
Not my usual self- too emo.
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Watched Toy story 3 with Xinmin! It was funny and cute!XD I love Buzz Lightyear during the Spanish parts and the Aliens!! (Claw~).

I couldn't really focus on studying at Macs, kept unconsciously stoning.=X

2010-06-19T20:25:00.003+08:00

I get pleasantly surprised because beneath that handsome exterior, I see a someone that is shyly seeking God. Every time I see him, I secretly hope, but I know some things are just impossible.

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ENGAGE is fun.=) The silly stuff they do always makes me laugh, my act cute 'husband', 'whiny' son, idiotic 'brother', stalkerish 'tu di', XINMIN (I don't look like arthur's sister!) and Cheryl mun <3

2010-06-16T17:11:00.002+08:00

I have been watching America's Next Top Model ALOT . Haha.. but guess what? I actually learnt something: it pays to pray even if you're not religious. You can fast forward to 5.51 to see that part=)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WgOmEL01XyQ&feature=related

2010-06-11T21:59:00.004+08:00

My oxford brother dancing. I laughed through out the whole video because I never imagined my brother dancing like that. I think it was salsa? Haha... XD
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Calvin and Hobbes comics are super adorable! It's even better than Archies and the Sunday lifestyle newspaper comics! Haha.. It's my only motivation to go to the library. Most importantly, they make me laugh. Usually I'd just read comics and be like: Yeah. that's funny. But I won't laugh or anything.

In addition, it's not like other comics. It actually talks about philosophical stuff such as time and existence. Haha.. Then again. Hobbes is supposed to be some brilliant philosopher. =)

A few quiet moments of pure blissfulness and unadulterated joy.=)

2010-06-09T22:41:00.005+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CELINE! XD

Thank you for being such a trustworthy friend whom I can always approach when I have problems. Thank you for always helping me out with my schoolwork!!! <3

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Listen to the lyrics. Love this song!

2010-06-06T12:52:00.003+08:00

Things are getting better=)
.

My walk with God doesn't seem so dry anymore.=) Surprisingly, yesterday's sermon spoke to me a lot and it was a much-needed reminder. I feel closer to the people in ENGAGE. Haha.. Jamming after service was fun. =) I can't stand Su Huai. He's super talented! He's the only person I know who can play by ear on the piano almost immediately. He didn't have much music background either!

Oh. I realised why I couldn't study that day. Haha.. I was sick. I have a valid excuse!!!XD

2010-06-04T17:49:00.004+08:00

Took a break from studying.

I'm pretty sure that if you stare at your notes for 2 hours and nothing goes in, your brain is sort of saturated.

So I went home, slept=), painted my nails, played with my Asher (guitar) and watch Surrogates. It's quite nice.=) I just figured out I like sci-fi films. Haha..=D

2010-06-01T23:10:00.003+08:00

Black and white vision slowly colours.

I think a lot more these days. I question a lot more about origins and reasons for a particular event. To simply reduce it all to the existence and will of God felt naive. In my opinion, I believe that there are other theories that are unfounded.

Have you ever wondered why is the sky called the sky? Why was the colour blue was given the name blue? Who commanded that these things were given these names? If you simply take the word as it is, it could mean anything. I might have called the colour green, blue.

Am I thinking too much, too deep into things? But isn't it all relative? Perhaps all of these is miniature compared to a philosopher, but too intensive for an average person. Being average is so strange! For all we know, all of us are weird, but because everyone is weird, we are deemed as 'normal'.

I loathe how we are called to accept things at face value. To mundanely 'apply' what we learn to questions. All things should have a reason, shouldn't it? How did we get that formula? Based on some experiment? What if that experiment was based on assumptions? What if that result was just an exception?

Sometimes, I really don't understand how is it that what I'm learning can be related to real-life scenarios. As if we really want to know how many combinations we can have our meals (permutations and combinations in math), we would simply order what we want without spending effort on finding the number of choices we can have.

I hope it's not some mid-life crisis because after-all, I'm only 17.

2010-05-29T21:11:00.006+08:00

How is it that I can be so passionate about guitar, cricket, music and even SA, but have almost no passion for God?

I'm confused. I think I need a break from church. I still believe in God, it just that I need time.

I don't want to attend church and cell because I feel obliged to, but rather to actually WANT to go to church. Worship for me is marred with half-heartedness. I can't help but flinch at other people's technical mistakes. Today, when I watched the congregation 'worshipping', it felt as if I was watching a bunch of people devoid of all emotions.

My mind is cluttered with other matters too. But let's not talk about it.

2010-05-28T20:11:00.000+08:00

Someone please boycott studying!

2010-05-24T21:19:00.005+08:00

'Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus' ~Phi 4:6-7

God is indeed faithful. =)

I managed to finish most of the student camp stuff. Just a few days ago, I was panicking like crazy. But people started chipping in and voluntarily helping me out without me saying a word! Thanks God!

Now, I just have to pull through this period with His strength.
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How to bond 09S23: do stupid stuff, invent new pet phrases, laugh.=)

2010-05-22T18:59:00.004+08:00

^^ I didn't make any mistakes today so I didn't disappoint myself. However, it felt like a normal training with other schools and organisations rather than a competition. Haha.. Praise God man! I never expected this.

Now I can move on to more important stuff: BROWNIE!! I CAN FINALLY EAT 'HEATY' STUFF. HAHAHA..

I had HTHT with XinMin on the way to church. I was really encouraged by her sharing about 'ENGAGE'. It was quite cool how God brought her through this busy period. I'm really glad that I have someone in the same church, school and cca. <3

2010-05-18T19:55:00.000+08:00

^^ super charming with the guitar and his cute smile!

2010-05-16T12:23:00.007+08:00

Aly, guess who's in the middle?=p

Rapture was NICE!!! I love the item that Aly, Amelia and Li ying choreographed. The song they used was: I don't wanna miss a thing!!!! One of my favourite songs ever! Haha... The hip-hop item by Singapore Polytechnic was so AWESOME!! I like the Indian dance too! The chinese one with Ian was also super adorable!

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Still a bit shagged with trainings, church camp committee stuff and school. I'm really sorry if I was quite dead the past week and most probably for the weeks to come. I know sometimes I seem unconcerned with your affairs, but it's just I'm too exhausted.

6 more days to Invitationals.

The teams' morale seem to be very low. We are quieter. There's less laughter. Both teams are training and both teams know that team 1 is probably the only team that will win. Friends are separated. We are easily upset with ourselves. Easily disappointed.

We miss the times when we said: YEAH! LET'S WORK HARD AND HAVE TWO GOOD TEAMS! But the realities of life are inevitable. There has to be someone better and someone worse off.

2010-05-12T21:49:00.008+08:00

During one of the water breaks during training, I flopped onto the synthetic grass and random thoughts popped into my head.

It included something from the movie-Faith like potatoes; 'He makes me lie down in green pastures' (psalms 23:2) The wind blew softly and the voices in the background faded. The grass was comfortable enough to sleep on and the weather was just perfect. Isn't it such a wonderful way to enjoy God's peace?=)

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When Celine said I played well for MW yesterday, it made my day=) Thanks girly!=)

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I have been eating way too much. Maybe I have worms in my stomach or something because it seems as though every 2 hours I would get hungry.

2010-05-06T21:20:00.002+08:00

PRAISE GOD! MY LEG HAS ALMOST RECOVERED!XD

I ran quite a bit yesterday, still running a bit awkwardly, but running! I am going to savor this moment and 'run' as much as I can!=D

Haha..The weird thing is that I can't jog (long distances) yet I can sort of sprint (short distances).=X

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Love his accent!=p

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My future tuition sessions and worship practise may clash. Should I sacrifice serving for my studies??=(

2010-05-03T20:04:00.003+08:00

Went shopping with my darling Weitian! Haha.. I satisfied my shopping craving~ We talked a lot and found out that we are both so DREAMY!!!!But we have different taste in clothes and guys. Sort of. Haha.. =p

It was the first time I wasn't so depressed while shopping because I stopped thinking about H3! XD

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I'm trying to spend less time on nonsense (i.e. Facebook, Bloghopping, StumbleUpon, Youtube). Hopefully I will be more focused on God and my studies!=)

2010-04-28T20:36:00.002+08:00

I'm not over you. I'm just moving on.

2010-04-25T15:04:00.003+08:00

They should totally do this for people like me who hate stairs. Haha..I think if I was there, you would see me clumsily trying to play a song on it.XD

THIS IS SO COOL!!! Using sheeps to create sheep art!

2010-04-23T23:04:00.005+08:00

Expectations+ Studies+ Cricket+ Worship Practise. = Fatigue

There's only that much I can handle.

For once, I like to stop having people constantly reminding me how badly I did for BT1 and how there are only 6 months left to A-levels.

For once, I like to forget about the J1s and just focus on training for the invitationals even though I'm not playing.

For once, I felt God's presence when all I did was to sit there and sub-consciously listen to the music. No harmonising. No singing. Just the instruments. I saw the beauty of how different instruments with unique sounds could blend together to create an entirely out-of-the world experience.

The race has already been won for me. The question is how am I going to run it? With God's spirit or by whining at the unfairness of the world?

2010-04-20T22:09:00.002+08:00

I'm a bit distracted. Smile and the whole world smiles back at you. =) We should all smile more! Haha..

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Lessons are getting better because something is FINALLY getting into my brain. However, I'm not very sure if it will stay there.=p Haha.. At least, it's better than streams of unintelligible words flowing pass my ear.
I just wish I knew why I'm always so tired.

ASHER

2010-04-16T20:54:00.006+08:00

I finally bought my new guitar!!!XD It's called ASHER! Haha.. Asher means JOY and he's given this name because the first time I played it, he made me so HAPPY! It's a Takamine and the guitar plus all the guitar equipment costs only $521! My budget for the guitar itself was $800! Haha.. The money was purely from saving up. I'm so proud of myself! Hahaha..XD

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My new maid came this week. I survived 1 and a half weeks without a maid!=) Haha.. But I failed as a girl.=X I CAN'T COOK! I CAN'T EVEN MAKE PANCAKES! Strangely enough, I can bake. Cooking just doesn't work for me. Haha..=)